Well, I honestly wanted to put off on writing this, but, like I said, it's just been bothering me, plus a lot of other folks on LiveJournal have written about it, so...ah, whatever. I can't not be on the LiveJournal bandwagon; that would be rude!
Well...during my life, relationship-wise love has been far and above my grasp. That is...the kind of love one gets from a member of the opposite sex, as boyfriend or girlfriend. All throughout my life, though, I have thankfully been very fortunate to always have been loved. I know others out there who have not been such, and my heart honestly goes out to them. Having no love in one's life is a horrible thing. That's why I try to always show some sort of love to all I meet (get mind out of gutter, if you were...).
My parents have always been there and supported me through whatever situation I might have been going through. I might have disappointed them, I might have gotten mad at them, but even still they cared about me. My grandma loved me throughout my whole life; she always tried to make sure I had something every birthday, not because she thought it an obligation, but because she wanted me to know that she did care about me and appreciated me (I believe appreciation itself is one of the best possible gifts to give to anybody at anytime! :) ). And though I did not always believe it, ever since I became a Christian (yes, people, I do still think for myself :P ), I've realized that God loves me with a compassion which I'll never be able to understand nor possibly match, no matter how long I live or how hard I try. He just loves all (all) of us that much! And it's a beautiful thing too! :)
But...I haven't had a girlfriend in my life. ...well...back in 10th grade, I was kind of forced into having one (that was Jessica)...but that lasted less than a week, and it was more awkward being that way instead of just remaining normal friends. But still, having a girl with me, somebody thinking about me, somebody to be close to and have as a companion...I've never had one. There have been people on the internet with whom I had grown close. When I got the internet, a certain girl (...from Pennsylvania...) revealed to me that people see who you really are online, and on here, shyness goes away like that, and being intimate with others is a lot easier and less forced. ...unfortunately...that occasion kinda ended awkwardly...and I'll write about that in another post at another time.
But since then, I've met other girls who have developed crushes, even so far as to say they love me...but alas, none of these are to work out. I remember that during my days under another name on AOL, a girl that gave me her phone number, and made me blush by her overt sexual invitations.
I really wish I could fulfill those girls' hopes with me...but somehow I always end up distanced, and time's wind blows those past feelings away. And here in the world not made of 1's and 0's, I find myself...still in my parents' entertainment room, alone and sitting at my computer, while the world continues outside. That's not to say I'm a "loser" or "loner"; it's just that I don't have a lot to do with my time, and there honestly really isn't a whole lot to do around here in northwest Indiana (I'm too old for the teenage crowd, and not a man to hang in bars). I'm not very conversable with people, mostly large groups, I sometimes have trouble making "small talk" and even holding a conversation, and I'm not one to normally attract people and make long-time friends with complete strangers.
There just isn't a lot to do around here.
So sometimes I find myself dealing with loneliness. It usually isn't very strong, but it's still there. Even in the Bible, it says that we need human companionship. When I was back at the apartment, it was horrible being lonely there, because I wasn't alone--that's when it always hits you hardest. I try to get out at times, maybe go to a bar or restaurant for karaoke, since that's normally fun to me, but I've found when I go with nobody else...I sit there alone at my table picking at the tray of French fries in front of me, while throughout the bar people sit together, two or more per table, with the din of their talk and conversation permeating the bar's atmosphere. And...I'm still alone, and become quite lonely (*whine complain*). I don't have a group of friends I normally hang out with. There are people I talk to when I'm able, but everybody's always so busy. I don't have people who I see on a regular basis. Man, even the people at work don't consider me anybody special; the Papa Murphy's folks still think of me as an N.P.C. (*sigh, times are tough/there are many guards in teh castle) (non-important background character with little personality or importance) :(
So the only solace I have is my core online group of friends. To all you people, every single one of you, no matter how much I might see you or talk to you...I really do appreciate you people. Ya all mean a lot to me. Really, you do! Online people see the "real me", and I know that I'm not a dysfunctional person here in the world. I have some value, I know it...but why don't people physically near me see that?
I suppose this leads into my starting thought: love. I remember back in 5th grade unexpectedly developing a crush on a girl that sat on the other side of the room; her name was Emily Boyd. I was too shy to say anything, though, and even if I did, I wasn't sure what to do from there; I didn't consider myself an interesting or entertaining person enough to hold that type of relationship.
So continuing throughout the years, I've dealt with lack of this "love" in my life. In high school, I attributed it to the fact I was dubbed a "nerd" by the majority of the school's population, though in reality I hardly was. There were some girls who talked to me then, possibly because they thought I was an interesting person or because they had little other choice, being that I sat next to them. Small infatuations sometimes grew from that, but of course they were doomed to never yield fruition.
Eventually I grew accustomed, plus around that time I came to develop my soul-saving relationship with Jesus, so that helped me through my depression. I've learned to deal with these feelings, and I've learned exactly when is and isn't the right time for relationships. My brief relationship with Jessica during 10th grade taught me this; I wasn't ready, and things went sour and failed, and I ended up worse than before. I honestly am not very sure if I'm even ready today for a relationship...but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting at times.
Tonight I watched a girl named Isis and a guy named Baku suddenly declare their love for each other. It was a time of glee for them, a flurry of online kisses and exclamations of amore. They were ecstatic to have found feelings for each other, even changing their signature to proclaim to the online forums "I love Isis/Baku!" This reminded me so much of my early "internet love life", well, without the signature part. I can only but sit here and wonder how long this relationship of theirs will last. Will it blossom, their feelings deepen, and some day meet in person? ...or, like the vast (unfortunately :\ ) majority of "online romances", will the surface feelings, while deep and strong, eventually wear away...and one day one or both of them will realize maybe they weren't right about the other, and the feelings will then ebb away to nowhere near where they originally started?
*sigh, it's...relationships. I seem them around a lot. People have somebody, and they're able to talk and laugh with them. I see pairs of opposing sexes walking around all the time. I can't help but wonder why it is that I have no current pair. My friend Chris, a fellow who spends a lot of time in the Prices' basement with the computer, suddenly had a girlfriend who hung out with him a lot and shared moments together and mutual affection. I'm happy for him, I am...and those others out there who have found this love...but I can't help but notice the void in proximity.
It's at those times I need to remind myself that no man is an island. There is not, there is not a single person in this entire world who does not have the perfect mate someplace out there. There will be a moment in time when they meet, when they suddenly realize that they were meant for each other, and then nothing shall seperate them, and the love which they share shall be true.
But until that time, one must simply wait. What else is there to do? Like my great buddy Andrea said when I told her I had given up on love and just didn't mind if I ever found somebody or not, if you do try to look, love will just be everywhere except where you're looking. So go and live your life. When love is indeed ready, it shall find you where you are. When that moment comes, like that favorite punk group of mine named Phile said, it "will be worth the wait".
Andrea's smart! :D
So adieu, fellow readers, as Mikey signs off for tonight to roam about online...possibly. There isn't terribly much to do tonight, but at least there are people to talk to. ...I love conversation.... :)