Since last Sunday, I was sort of feeling down. I just...didn't...have anybody to talk to. The closest folks I was able to relate to were on the internet, but who wants to hear about another guy whining about being alone? It's not that I "crave a girlfriend", but rather just have felt really alone. Plus I've never "had anybody", so I don't even know what love or close affection feels like. I recently put a poll on Gaia about this, if it was normal, like I believed it so to not be, and I received a variety of responses, of such: "you're fine." "Stop worrying about it." "My mom didn't marry till she was 30." "...geez, whiny pansy...."
The other night, though, it still bothered me. I drove my pizzas where they needed to go, while the world around me prepared for the day that, I still think, is a sham, and only makes single people feel bad, plus I would think couples should show their affection all the time. Still, though...I just couldn't shake it. I just felt lonely. I didn't have anybody to be there for me, and my parents, as much as I really do love them dearly, just have been somewhat distant. Plus I don't have any friends I could see face-to-face on a regular basis. It...just was starting to wear on me.
That night, Thursday, as I drove a pizza out to Route 20, I still had that hidden, subtle weight in my heart. As I drove, though, some memories and thoughts started coming together. Estefania, Dillon's wife, Dillon had mentioned a few times, had prayed specifically about what husband she wanted. "God, give me a husband with blonde hair and blue eyes." On Sunday, when I went up to Chicago with the church, the pastor there while preaching had said at one point, "And for you singles, pray to God to send you that wife or that husband." Plus a few things on the radio, of which I currently can't remember them, also came to me. So...there on Willowcreek as I drove north, I began to quietly pray...for that "someone". I told God what she would be like, what qualities I was hoping for, how I would take care of her and respect her, and would do whatever I could for her. I just really opened my heart up, and talked to God about it. And now, thinking about it, that was something I really, really should have done a lot sooner instead of being angsty and depressed about it.
Then, as I pulled up to Motel 8 in my messy car that smelled faintly of pizza, I felt a giant weight off my heart...one that had actually been there for some time. I sat there in my car about a minute, just really surprised that suddenly...I wasn't feeling so alone and yearning for companionship. There in my heart, I knew...I just somehow knew...that someplace, somewhere out there, somebody who was the one I prayed about...was out there. So then I said a small prayer, asking God to keep her safe, protected, and content, and to let her know that she is not alone, and that some day...we would meet, so she didn't need to worry.
I know some of you reading this might not agree with me about what I believe in, but I honestly just can't help it--when you feel something and know it's real and absolute, how could I reject it? I don't believe, because I grew up and my parents always took me to church and told me to be a good Christian boy. For crying out loud, I didn't even become a born-again Christian until high school! It's just that I know God is there, as much as I know all of you out there exist as well.
Well, now to talk about work, I suppose. That's been going well, but the only thing is is there's a lady that works there by the name of "Sue". She's an okay lady, and always has her nose to the grindstone, and she does get things done. But...does she really have to be so rude about everything? "Okay, Mike, now are you listening?" "Yes, I'm listening." "This is sort of lengthy--" "I'm listening." "--and I really don't want to hold your hand with this." "I said I'm listening!!" She's just not quite subtle at all, and it really bugs me. And apparently she closes a lot...and lately I've been getting put on a lot of closes.... >_<
The other night I was closing with her, and we were about to leave. She told me to dumb the mop bucket outside, just onto the pavement, but in doing so I accidentally got my shoes and lower pants sopping wet. So, what was the only solution I was supposed to do, except take off my shoes...right there...in fifteen-degree weather, in the middle of winter? I put them away in my car, then walked around in my socks for the rest of the time I was there. I'm sure Sue thought me crazy for doing such, but since when have I cared about what others thought of me? =)
When I left in my car, it bugged me that my socks were somewhat damp too, so I took those off as well. Then, while walking to my house, I realized that the ground wasn't too cold, and snow didn't even bother me much either. That's when the joyful thought came to me: why do I even need shoes now?! As my friends on Gaia can attest to, I am a huge proponent and advocate of ungarbed feet, so since then, just about every day until I need to go to work, I've been walking around basically everywhere with nothing upon my podiatric appendages. Am I a hobbit?
Anyways, just letting you folks know, I still really don't like Valentine's Day. I could rant about it, but I'm sure it's nothing I haven't said already, or anything that you folks have not heard someplace already. So with that thought, I'll stop writing for the night, and wish you fellow readers "adieu", as I now leave and go search the internet for signs of life. Thanks, people! =)