Anyways, Monday, Darrell moved out of his house, and is now living on his own in his own apartment in Valparaiso with a friend. After I got out of work, I went over to his place, and ended up crashing the night over there...but not before watching a movie I'm sure some of the population still doesn't understand: Tron!
Tuesday I had the day off. Not much happened. All the music videos that I've worked on in the past finally are officially online now, and anybody who's interested in seeing them are welcome to check them out. I didn't sleep well at Darrell's place, and by nighttime I was dead tired, and fell asleep curled up in this futon chair...but then awoken by Nick calling up, asking if I wanted to come over. I said "sure", hung up...but then fell right back to sleep for about a half-hour. Dangit. >_<
Anyways, today at work, I think I can honestly say I had another not fun day. Also something else came up. This week on my schedule I suddenly find myself with only 12 hours in total. This has happened to me suddenly in the past before, and it was always the precursor to me losing my job. I went to main manager Liz and asked her if there was anything deficient in my work performance. That's when she got the serious tone to her voice, looked at me, and asked me how I thought I was doing.
As it turns out, our business has been slow (...ugh, yeah), and she's just cutting back labor hours. She said I was doing fine, was "a great person" (why do all my jobs' bosses say that?! o_O ), but then brought up the matter of...well, my speed. She then described to me in an exaggerated form (but believed by her) about my speed issues. Now...this is what's worrying me. This is exactly the reason why I've lost most my other jobs before. "I'm sorry, you're a really nice person, but we can't keep you." "Mike, you're a great guy...but...you don't do your job fast enough...we're going to have to let you go...." "We like you, Mikey, but you aren't keeping up with everybody else, and some have complained...."
Some might even go as far to call me "cursed". I know I've mentioned this plenty and plenty of times in my past entries, but for some reason, I'm naturally slow. I can't explain it, and I don't know why, but I try my best at my job, I put my best foot forward and give 100% into the job...but yet I can't complete the tasks as fast as others, do the quota by the given time, or do my job in the expected allotted time. I try my hardest, but it's like I'm handicapped in time in everything I do! My mom even gets sarcastic with me at times if I'm trying to prepare something for her. "Mike, is that going to be finished today?" I'm just trapped in this wall of speed, and I have no idea how to break out and get things done by when the world wants them done.
Recently it's been coming to my attention that the English language is quite limited. For example, "love" is a word that's commonly used, but the meaning can vary. Meanwhile, in Hebrew, they have three different words for our love: "longing after", "liking", and "genuine heart-felt love". In the same way, the Japanese also has something of a more specific language. When talking to somebody, if you were to be formal, you would add a suffix to the person's name. "(name)-san" could be talking to a person and being formal with them, like calling them "Mr." or "Mrs." "(name)-sama" is the same, except in a highly more revered fashion. Then there's "(name)-chan", when talking to a child or somebody very dear to you, and "(name)-kun", usually used when talking to an adolescent boy or a male close to your age group.
The other day I was talking to a girl by the name of "Fini", who actually is a Price kid's girlfriend. During our conversation, she passingly referred to me as "Mikey-kun". I've never been really called this before, and was slightly taken aback by it, but after a brief discussion, accepted the title. Apparently this was deemed how my position was in her mind.
Now, after the events today, I've been wondering, though...where exactly do I belong? What's my position in life? I know I've probably mentioned this before in my past entries, and if you've read it, I don't know if you've stopped reading by now or not, but anyways, I just still am not sure what my position in life is. Most kids when they're growing up have an idea of what they want to be when they "grow up"...but that doesn't work for me, because I wanted to be a mad scientist. :P People in high school had an idea of what they wanted to do in their lives, then as they got into college, those ideas became more refined and focused. But I...have had a blank slate. I've had no idea where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do...or anything like that. My indecision and unnatural sleeping patterns led to a grand of my dad's money being wasted during the last semester that I was in college...almost a year ago.
Some weeks ago, I was talking with Darrell, and he mentioned something about me at 70. I then tried to fit a picture into my head of exactly what I would look like, where I would be, where I would be living, if I would have a family or kids...but nothing came to mind. Darrell continued on, claiming that I would be like [old celebrity who is old, refuses to die any time soon, and looks great].
I can't help but sometimes wonder to myself if there's something wrong with my life, and I've missed important components, lectures, and events that were supposed to define my life. Some online found I've never kissed or had a full-fledged girlfriend in my life, and tell me to simply "get one". The other night, Nick's girlfriend was talking about the "adventures" she had in high school, then Nick looked at her and told her about our high school adventures: "we just went to class". While that's nothing wrong, I just look at my life and see one that hasn't been lived as much as others. Biccy, one night, asked me to tell her stories from my childhood...but thinking back, all I could remember was a kindergarten room, a tv, Ninja Turtles, and my Nintendo.
I suppose the point of all this that I'm typing is that I just don't know where I fit into in this world. I'm accepted for who I am at church...but God accepts everybody. It's comforting to know I'm accepted by Him, since "if God is for us, who could be against us?" It's only not that long ago that I discovered a talent I never knew I had like this, and that is making videos. Since that's the only thing I know I'm guaranteed to be completely successful with, that's what I've poured what energy I could into it, and that's why you've heard me talk about it so much in this journal. But aside from becoming widespread on the file-sharing networks and in some groups...there isn't much life application to put this into.
I'm still at a loss of where I really belong...and the deadline for me to find it is coming. I'm not fast enough at anything to do exceedingly well in it, and keep a place there. I can't deliver pizzas for my entire life. I won't live with my parents until I'm old. I just...don't know what to do...and honestly this situation could become pretty depressing, but I won't let it. I know that there's something out there I'll do, and it's going to be great and I'll fit in, and I'll be an exile no longer...but until that day...I'm still an outcast from thriving society.
Anyways, I think I'll end this entry now. I know I've typed a lot, and some might've just skipped down here to the bottom (hiya...!) at the sight of all that I typed...but, ahh.... Anyways, right now my stomach is pretty upset.... It's been like this since yesterday, even before I had BW3's "blazing sauce" (battery acid in a bottle is what it is...!!). I don't get what's with my digestive system.
Anyways, that's it for this introspective semi-angsty entry. Thanks a lot to all those who read through it all. At least I now know there are some of you out in the world who comprehend my plight. :)