Anyways, off my trite of annoyance, I've been feeling pretty alone lately, and I don't even find solace at home. I help my mom out, but she usually isn't one for conversation. Also, my dad recently has gone on vacation, but it really's been anything but a vacation for the rest of us. Literally every day so far I've seen him has been another day for him to blow his lid about something, and walk around cursing everything here and there, going from not being able to find something, or about how "this place is a [pretty elongated expletive would go here] pig pen", to how he can't stand this place. He throws tantrums like a little child, except without throwing things around, but even that isn't always guaranteed. He's plain unbearable like that! I love my dad with all my heart, but when he's like that...it's like he's some other person, and just not my dad. My dad loves people, and is willing to get them the medical treatment that they need, even if it means having mountains of bills for the rest of your life. My dad is willing to go to an obscure store in Illinois to find that big Lego set his son wanted merely on a whim for Easter. My dad is willing to ignore the giant mistakes people make in life, and put them behind, and go on with life. He doesn't curse everything, threaten Mom at the capacity of his lungs that he'll leave forever, look as his son with disdain because he messed up somewhere in life, and now might never go anywhere, and not pay attention when somebody's obviously hurting, and needs somebody to talk to. That isn't the man who raised me!!
Lately, my mom hasn't been doing as well as she had in the past. She lately has needed more help getting around and getting things done, and she's been saying a lot more lately "I'm glad you're home...". I love her dearly, and it pains me to see her like this. My mom has never been wholely well, being that she's had Multiple Sclerosis for a very, very long time, and now she's been literally crippled with this stroke. I'd be willing to do anything to help her, including stay at home when I wanted to go out and maybe find people to hang out with. But the thing is...I'm not regretting it. She's my mom, and I have an obligation to help her, and even if I wasn't "obliged", I would still undertake the task for the simple reason that I love her. It's been getting harder lately, though, helping her, and Dad's commentary on various situations hasn't been helping at all in the least. Mom is very slowly but surely degrading, and there isn't anything that people can do to help, except pray. Dad put it very bluntly to me the other day when he was moody for the reason he had to change a tire, then he couldn't find a proper jack. "Your mother is either going to go to a nursing home or die." If he was somebody else, I would have been tempted to hit him with what I could with that tire iron which I held in my hands then. "Your mother isn't going to get better, they've done everything that they can!" "She can't go to a nursing home; she would hate it there." "Puh, well..." Dad trailed off, going back to fixing the tire. As soon as he had it fixated and in place, I went back inside, letting Mom know I love her, giving her a hug, then telling her quietly to be patient with Dad....
That's my current home situation right now, but that's the backdrop for the other issues taking place in my life at the moment. There aren't so much things I'm having to deal with, rather than lack of things I'm dealing with. For one thing, graduation has just passed, marking the third year that I haven't been in school...and I'm still nowhere further than when I started. My life still has no direction, and in the meantime I'm living at home, working for Pizza Hut, and going on my computer, because that's basically all I can do right now. The next semester of college is going to be starting up quicker than I expect, like it always does, and I don't know if I'll be ready. I wanted to slate this fall semester as to when I would go back...but I still don't know what I should do! My life has no direction, no goals, no motivation, nothing, except to make money, help others whenever, wherever, and however I can, and also be a Christian. There are no other drives in my life, and I'm stuck on an island, while a majority of the other Wheeler graduates pass by waving on that cruise ship labelled "career". I'd really like it if Dad would stop bringing up the fact that my life isn't going anywhere in small comments here and there.... >_<
Also, I've found myself feeling really alone lately. It means so much to me to know there are people around the globe who see me for who I really am, and stand in my corner like Micky did for Rocky, but there are times in life where you need somebody physically to hold on to...at least that's the way I've been feeling lately. And I just don't have that. No matter where I go, I have nobody and nothing, aside from that group of people that conglomerate at Inman's on Friday nights. No matter where I am, it seems like I'm still a constant outcast, not being able to join in conversation, or to keep one going. I'm still "Mikey...that nice guy" to people. I was hoping the world could finally see me as an actual, dynamic person once I'd finally gotten out of school, but instead it's like the label of "that double-jointed guy" has just dropped off, and I've simply become nameless. I keep wondering when things are going to get better, and I keep getting the feeling that it's soon, but I don't know how, and in the meantime I'm still in the same place. It sucks.
So in short, while I really do appreciate your heart-felt sentiments, for some of this, I don't really know if it'll ever be okay.... I've just been worn down lately. If there were such a thing as a vacation from life, I would take it. ...but I think those are usually called "drugs", and I honestly don't want my life any more messing up or going into a rut, thanks....
And my parents are always wondering why I'm talking to people online.
Anyways, scroll down a little bit to get to the meat of this entry. Thanks a lot for reading.... :)
I just got back from seeing "Shrek 2" with Fallon, and I'd like to tell you all that was one of the best movies that I've seen in a long, long time. It doesn't even make all that much "pop culture humor" that has an expiration date of two years or so--it was genuinely and originally funny! Great movie!
Oh yeah, I'm typing this with a "storm of the century", most likely, going on outside. If it wasn't for this cool surge protector I plugged in a few days ago, I'd likely be away from this combustible plastic-shelled electronic cubic...rectangle...computer...but anyways, continuing on. On the way back to Valpo to drop Fallon off, the lightning was going on consistently, and we got to discussing horror movies, storm movies, and also just how generally awesome the storm was. "I've never been on a lone road like this in the middle of a storm...this is cool!"
It's great to have friends like that. Today was a really reflective day for me. It started in the wee hours of the morning of...10:00 a.m. I'd rollen out of bed and went to work, once again to emphasize to my boss and co-workers I'm not a morning person, by means of communicating with nods and uttered grunts for the first hour. I wasn't feeling well for most of the day, because the other night I stayed up late working on video editing, and the next night (last night), I had a very...awkward sleep. Kept getting interrupted. (apparently Molly, one of our cats, was trying to ward off an orange and white tabby who wandered on our porch by making the many annoyed sounds that cats do, all from her perch just inside the window)
I was a little slow today, unfortunately, and apparently neither was my boss feeling well, for she wanted to complain to everybody about whatever they did...and I kept running into the woman. "You're turtling, Mike! Why aren't you making both sauces at once? Save time!" But she didn't see the fact I only had two arms, and couldn't reach over and get them both at once (I can't do that, Astros!).
Anyways, throughout my day of working, it was more readily and readily apparent to me that...everybody there were friends. I saw literally everybody...talking together, working, getting along, some even taking rides with other drivers as they went on deliveries. And they're basically like that all the time...well, except me. I'm honestly not throwing a pity party here, but I don't talk to anyone there. I'm still an exile amidst them, even now at 21 years old. The most I get is a great gal there named Dawn who's always friendly to me and always smiling...and also James, who thinks I'm one of the most ridiculous people in the world, and isn't afraid to bring his opinion to my attention.
But the thing that kept hitting home for me was seeing everybody taking their breaks together. As I was leaving for a delivery, I caught a glimpse of a certain manager and some of the employees sitting at the picnic table, laughing, chatting, and carrying on. Also, on my break, I sat at the break table with my Mountain Dew and usual meal of a personal pizza, but not even a minute after I had sat, hoping to find somebody to talk to around there, they all got up and went back to work, leaving me to dine alone.
It didn't help that the next delivery I went on, when I walked up to the garage where everyone was, a small child literally did start crying as soon as he saw me.
By the time I left, I was really pretty depressed. I've had nobody around here really to talk to and to get things off my chest. For awhile I've been looking for somebody to hug me except my mom...but anyways, that sentence sounds really whiny, but I'll keep it anyways. With my last post, I just needed to know I'm not alone...and I found that out. Thank you all. But there's something that came to my attention....
Every single person that commented was female! A girl! �Las mujeres bonitas! That can only leave me with one conclusion.... Forget you, guys! From now on, I'm taking my problems to the opposite gender! They're better than you! Nyeah!!
Anyways, as I got home, I plopped at my computer and got online, thinking to go to Inman's to meet with the crowd of DDR ninjas and also those other lay people (they can only get "double-A's" on songs, instead of "quadruple-A-plus-plus-DDR-hero-of-legend"...like Todd and Jeff...). But before I went...I noticed a post on LiveJournal revealing a certain unsettling break-up, of which I won't go into details. On the way out to Valpo, I stopped by the guy's house, seeing how he was, and to also get some details. He was pretty hurt, I could tell, but he tried his best to hide it from me. This was a big change in his life, one consisting of big ends and beginnings. I gave him my number if he ever needed to talk. While we were talking, though, he mentioned that "she's hurting more than me right now...I'm really the bad guy..."
My next stop was her place! She wasn't doing visibly as poorly as he made her out to be, but it was nice to get to see her regardless. We talked for awhile, and it actually was pretty refreshing to chat with her for a bit; it had been some time since we sat down and talked. I didn't stay too long, though, because my ultimate destination was...well, honestly Inman's wasn't too packed tonight, and hardly anybody that's usually there...well, wasn't. I always tell everybody that that crowd is the crowd I like to hang out with, because I get along well with them, and they can see my value as a person. They remind me so much of a chatroom online where everybody knows you. "Mikey!" I usually get greeted with.
There was somebody I unexpectedly met while there...and everybody who went to Wheeler knew him--"Dead John" John Martin. I really was surprised to see him around, and he's changed a lot since high school...! He was pretty enthusiastic about things, was cheerful, and no, he isn't pasty white anymore, people...sheesh.... What really got me, though, was that he played DDR! And he was good! I'm not supposed to know people, and they're also skilled in DDR! They're supposed to have DDR sk1llz, and I know them...at least superficially. I asked John if he played Dance Dance Revolution, and he said "yeah", and wanted to play a game. Then after we started, he went right up to "Difficult" mode. While he isn't the best out there, he really does beat a large portion of the competition out...but not me. XD
Something that had surprised me earlier is that Fallon had gotten a hold of me, and wanted to see a movie later on. We agreed after I left Inman's we'd find something to see...and we did! Well...you already read my review of Shrek 2. Ignore the Garfield movie, and go see that instead! Shrek 2 is guaranteed by Mikey! I don't guarantee stuff easily!
Anyways, finishing up on this entry, I'll keep it short. I know I haven't updated this journal in a long time...and my last couple entries have been short and pretty vague...but I'm hoping to keep this updated, because I'm being optimistic about my life, because that's all I can do. Also it gives me something to do, and also right now this is almost the only way that some of you can hear what's going on with me, what with Aol instant messenger refusing to work, still. Anyways, also if I'm starting to sound too whiny...please let me know. I'm taking liberty to express my thoughts in here, and lately I haven't been the most upbeat person.
Anyways, the storm outside has finally quieted down mostly. It was something, though, driving in it. It waited until I was on my way home to start downpouring...and when I say "downpour", I'm simply going to ask if any of you readers have seen "Big Fish". It was literally almost like that; my windshield wipers rarely ever go on maximum, and the water outraces them. o_O
But that didn't stop me! Instead of freaking out, gripping the steering wheel with an iron grip and starting to sweat, I merely turned up the radio as I heard that Relient K "I have problems with forward motion" song, and started bobbing my head with the punk beat and singing along with it, as my speed was at 15 below the posted limit. A pretty cool moment was when Barlow Girl came on the radio with "Never Alone", and when the guitars came in, making the song give in to a pretty hard sound, lightning flashed right at that moment. Then as the wiper blades went back and forth, just almost matching the beat, while outside the rain poured down, the scenery went by, and the sky kept flashing bright, I couldn't help but think, "whoah...this could make a pretty cool video!!" I mean, if you know this song, you'd have to think the same thing! (Kat agrees with me! Right? ...right?)
Anyways, I'm hungry, so I'm going to microwave an Uncle Ben's dinner thing. Ariel, our tan lab--ish has finally calmed down, and believes her life is now spared once again, being that the storm is past. ...that dog has issues, and not just that.... Anyways, adieu, people, and take care! (that's French for "bye"!)