I'm used to seeing relatives and friends in a hospital bed with a hospital gown on, maybe slightly weak, but active enough to say what's up. My grandma was lying in bed, her eyes closed, while a breathing apparatus was attached to her nose, strapped in place with bands around the top and middle of her head. Her breathing was very quick, breathing through her mouth with her tongue very visible. Aunt Franny was there with her, her hands on Grandma's hands, for both comfort and to prevent her from trying to pull of the mask.
For the rest of the day, I've been in a very solemn mood. She's the only grandparent I have left, and though I know her time might be coming, I'm still afraid for her.
She was cohesive only a little bit, and it normally was for just up to 10 seconds. She can barely talk, and even then it's mostly inaudible. When she was awake, she complained in very few words she wanted to lie down, though she couldn't lie down any more, because of the massive amounts of fluid in her lungs. It breaks my heart seeing her like this. I don't know what's going to happen.
I slept terribly last night, eventually passing out on the floor with a blanket draped over me...but then I only slept in spurts of an hour or two here or there. I eventually fell asleep in Grandma's room on a chair, only to be awaked by Dad some time later. He's in a very non-compassionate mood. He doesn't seem much broken by this situation at the moment, and he's been apathetic to both Mom and myself.
When I left, I bent forward and kissed Grandma with my hand supporting her head, and told her I loved her. I couldn't think of much else to do. And then, it being a Wednesday night, I remembered there was a Bible study at church, and went there. At the end, they held a small prayer service, and I asked them to pray for my grandma. I've been working the exact wrong hours these past few weeks, and haven't been able to attend service until now.
I briefly talked with a deacon afterwards, and he took down some contact and name information. He then told me everybody would be praying for her, and then he gave me a reassuring smile, something that I haven't seen for some time now, and told me that God is in control. That's something I hadn't forgotten, but hearing him, and knowing there were people there for us...that's something that made me glad.
I know I've written too many long entries, so I'll end this here.