...and I wrote just to get everything out for myself, it's not necessary you read it ^_^;
Well...at the moment a few CD's are finishing up burning, so I'm typing here to pass the time. I know the last entry said basically nill about what was happening in my life...so I suppose I should write here. Lately, life's been...well, I think it's creaking forward. The gears are slowly rotating, shuddering the gunk and rust off, and I think something's happening. A lot of times I admit to getting hung up on my life and its past and present condition. I could say that my life is going nowhere. I'm an employment vagabond, travelling from menial job to menial job every few years with no talents or ambitions and stuck in a place where nothing happens. I could say I suspect my dad to be disappointed in me, me being a "slob" in his eyes, a college drop-out, never even having a girl, watching "gay Japanese cartoons", and of all that I'm turning 23 this Saturday, while folks have graduated from college already.
But y'know what? No man is the judge of me.
I wanted to let you all know that I'm leaving my job in October. I won't be working at Pizza Hut anymore, and I'll enter into the realms of unemployment. The decision for this was made some time ago...but it's just recently that it's really becoming apparent in my eyes. I'll be leaving for a few reasons, including seeing if I can chase some dreams down and get things done I wanted to...but also because I want to help take care of Mom. When I have days off, Dad asks if I have anything planned on that day, and if I tell him no...he sometimes asks if I can stay home that day to watch over her. I love my mom...and I get told often that what I'm doing is "admirable", because other people out there could have just gone somewhere else and not cared what happened with their mother's welfare. I don't really think so, though....
She's my mom, and she's in a horrible state, though I wish it were otherwise. She sits at home all day, sometimes not leaving the house for days, and sits in that same chair and watches tv...all the time...and I imagine the same shows too, even reruns she's seen many times before. Animal Planet and the Game Show Network are two of her faves. She'll even watch "stupid movies", just because there isn't anything else on. It's all that she can do by herself with her life now...and possibly forever, though I pray that's otherwise. Dad has even bought all the premium movie channels and whatever she's interested in, just so that she'll have more to watch. Her caretakers--my aunt, a family friend, and a contact--take her out when they can. She likes going onto the boats and gambling. She sometimes gets taken to her Catholic church on Sundays. She likes funny things, but doesn't understand deeper things. Her mind isn't how it used to be, though thankfully she retains so, so much more than she really could have lost. And I wonder...how will this end? :(
I want to stick by my mom's side until then.... I've told people I want to stay at home until I graduate college...but now...I...I don't know. I don't know about a lot of things. I don't know...and you know what? That's okay. Who says I'm supposed to know the answers to life's tough questions right now? What use is having everything mapped out? While that would make things so much simpler sometimes...that's just tough. That's life. And I'll do exactly what I've done my whole life, and just keep living.
The future of my life is pretty much shrouded in mystery right now. Most folks have a momentum going in their life. For the first eighteen years of your life, you grow up, you go to school, you're supposed to find your identity and purpose, then after you graduate you could go to college or some trade school, get a "real job", get married, become successful, and work till your 50's or 60's, and live happily ever after with a couple generations of family around you...though not exactly always in that order. I know I've said all this before, but it's a point I want to bring up. I think maybe I had the chance to do all this. I think God had a plan for my life...maybe a few plans, like back-up plans. I fudged up my grades during the last couple years of high school, then I fudged up college, then I moved out of my parents' place when I actually was totally not ready to...and now here is where my life is--exactly what I said earlier. But what's the use of saying "I could have done so much better..."? Instead I'm going to live my life, and I'm going to try to do something completely worthwhile. And...actually, things don't seem to be going bad. I can be an "underdog". Maybe I could pull off being that Rocky Balboa or William Wallace--that guy that pulls from behind and does something wonderful. I don't care if I go popular or famous--I just want to leave the world and at least a few people's lives better off than they were beforehand. I don't care if I end up on the streets by the end of all this...though...really, I'd prefer that didn't happen.... ^_^;
So...this Saturday I'm turning 23, and a lot of people would look down on my life by the "progress" I've made. But I've learned that age isn't exactly a statistic by which to judge someone. I remember that last year, I was terrified of turning 22. I didn't want to. I turned 21 just the year before, which didn't seem like that long, and now...there wasn't anything else to look forward to. This was my first "step" into adulthood, as far as numerically speaking. And I didn't want to...and I hated seeing the days tick down. I kept telling people that I wanted to make a time machine and make time stop. I wanted to stay 21 foerever--young, energetic, and unchanging...in an age that was at the end of the traditional "youth" concept, where I could still watch anime, play video games, enjoy cartoons without being called "immature", and basically act the way that I do now. But then...someone showed me that it was okay to get older...that there wasn't anything wrong with that. It was quite unexpected, honestly; I didn't expect Astrosnik, though she was something of an acquaintance then and now I secretly view her as something of a mentor, to show me that getting older didn't mean that anything had to change. She showed me through example that age was just a number, but who you were inside was what truly counted, even if you happened to be in your mid-20's. She's earned the affectionate nickname of "Astro-sama" from me now. Thank you for all of that, Astro-sama.... :)
And now, time continues to march on, and my life might seem like it's going nowhere and that it's at a standstill. I'm still watching "Please Teacher" borrowed from Amber, and in it this guy always goes into a comatose state whenever he gets down or he feels that he's standing still while life keeps going on, so he calls those blackouts "standstills". Well...I don't want my life to be there. I'll keep going forward. Whether I have folks who support me or not...though I somehow suspect I always will, thank you ( :) )...I'll keep going on. That's what you're supposed to do in life, isn't it?
...now I've got a small get-together to go to...because Nick insisted on getting people together for my birthday x_x ...and I suspect he got me a used X-box, I saw the present wrapped up he had. It has judo ninja stick figures on it! ^_^; Geesh, why do people want to make such a deal out of the anniversary of my birth anyhow...? I stopped caring past 19, actually! ^_^;;