Mikey (neomikey) wrote,

The truth about "Santa Claus"

For the longest time, the tale of Santa Claus has been perpetuated throughout the world in various mythos. Each Christmas Eve night, the jolly old fat man in the red suit with the white fluffy trim apparently makes his rounds about the world, delivering presents to all the good boys and girls, and stockings full of dooky to the bad ones. It's a story presented to children by parents and the mass media, telling a legendary tale of him riding from the North Pole and through the sky in his sleigh powered by airborn reindeer, carrying a big sack of toys and goodies to give to everyone, and accomplishing such a precise task in one night, and every...single...animated show has a special about how the main characters saved Christmas when it was threatened (though honestly, some of them ain't bad!).

But I'm making this post to shatter this myth and shed some light into the world. Everyone deserves to know the truth. Everyone should know what the real story is, and maybe children will stop getting lied to now and those mall and Salvation Army Santas can all be shown for the frauds they really are. Do you want to know the truth, people?

Santa Claus is really a ninja!!!!

That's right! I said it! And it's the truth! How in the world else could you possibly explain it?! Let me go ahead and shed some light on the issue for all you people.

Let's start off with the most obvious. Nobody has ever seen Santa Claus (from here on, he will be referred to by his rightful name, "Santa Klausu"...yes, that name is spelled correctly). Sure, there are those people that are in the mall where thousands of children with "gimme-gimme" syndrome sit on his lap and tell them how much they want a pony. But want to know the truth? They're decoys, and horrible ones at that! They were originally instituted by a gaijin who was trying to help out Klausu-san, and he figured that if there were enough around, nobody would know the real one, and therefore this Christmas ninja would get away scot-free. But in truth, Klausu-san is so secretive and stealthy, he doesn't need to worry about being seen or found out! Besides, you can easily see through the decoys' disguises.... "What's your name, little boy/girl? Have you been good? What would you like for Christmas?" If he was the real Santa, he would already know all of that anyways, wouldn't he. He'd tell you right then and there what his assessment of your year-round behavior is, then send you off to give the next little runny-nosed kid his assessment. ...and besides, half of the decoys' beards are easily pulled off anyways, sheesh....

So, what about the real Santa? While originally starting off as one single ninja who was tired of seeing the children of Japan go without anime action figures to entertain themselves during the celebration of the birth of Christ (they didn't have Gundam back in feudal Japan, so they had action figures of different youkai, a.k.a., the cast of Inuyasha), he decided to go about correcting this problem. From there, the history is sketchy because of ninja secrecy, but this is what's speculated. Klausu-san, while being able to possibly take care of Christmas all on his own, might have instituted a ninja clan to hire other ninja to undertake the Klausu name. While monitoring the entire world and delivering presents to everyone all in one night is possible all on his own...come on, even ninja can get tired. And if you think everything in just one night is impossible, you have to remember that there is also still the time zone issue! It's not night across the whole world all at once!

Santa Klausu is able to watch everyone all the time without them knowing about it. He knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good or wake up with a kunai in your leg (they changed it to "coal in your stocking" when it came to America, because America always dumbs down stories from Japan). Keeping an eye on you 24/7 no matter where you go or what you do. Klausu-san likely even has superior computer technology light years ahead of anything in the world at this very moment! Able to get around your firewall and infiltrate your computer to monitor your activities without setting off any alarms or anything, he has every single facet of activity covered, and you can't escape his watchful eye at all. So where is Santa watching you from right now? I don't know...but I can guarantee it's very...very close...and you won't ever know.

His base is now established somewhere in the North Pole region, yet it's secret...super secret. Explorers have gone there before and found nothing but frozen wasteland and native wild life, yet Santa Klausu still operates from there in secret. The base is even more secret than Superman's "fortress of solitude"! Super villains have found their way there before! But no one has found the Klausu base yet...but I admit, though, it is true a couple people have gotten close before...but they were never seen again, and their disappearances were blamed on freezing to death or some other cause.

I thought that I would share this knowledge with you, and I probably have put my own life in danger by revealing this, but I thought that everyone needed to be told the truth. So...happy Christmas Eve to you all...and to all, oyasumina sai!
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