Mikey (neomikey) wrote,

  • Music:


You know what's a lonely feeling? Possibly one of the loneliest in the world? It's when you're surrounded by people, but still alone.

The past couple days haven't been the best for me. In fact, I think they might have been some of the worst. It wasn't that anything specifically bad happened or anything; it's just...I've been feeling down. I've been feeling pretty alone. People have seen it plainly too, but the thing is...nobody's done anything about it. Nobody came up to me wanting to know what was the matter, nobody wandered why I was feeling so down--they just left me be. And that I think is why I'm feeling so bad at the moment.

It started a few days ago. It was after I stayed the night out with Shaun and Markley waiting for tickets for the W.W.E. thing they were holding here in Valpo later this month, I think. Afterwards, I went over to the Price's and finally got the digital camera into working condition. The pictures aren't the best, but on high resolution, they do turn out well. Too bad I didn't take more high resolution ones when I was with them; we had some fun times while we waited. I'll post them later, okay? ...soon as I get the gosh darn webspace, graciously hosted by JeffreyAtW (really, thanks again, Jeff!), working okay. My user name or something isn't working right...I'll get it fixed soon.

But anyways, continuing, I didn't sleep that night and later on I came back to the apartment. I was supposed to go see a buddy of mine later on that day who I hadn't got to see in awhile, we would then hang out, and he even offered to help me with my computer, by letting me temporarily put what I wanted to save onto his spare hard drive, then we could reformat the computer and reinstall everything, and then it could stop hating me. Not bad, no?

But that didn't happen. At 2, I was playing Dynasty Warriors 3 with Ryan, when I found myself nodding off. That's a bad thing. Finally I put the controller down and told them, "Hey, I'm going to go crash for an hour. If the alarm doesn't go off and wake me up, could you go in there and do it? Just...throw a brick at my head, or something, if ya need to." "Sure, Mikey! We'll do that!"

They didn't.

I've wrote in the past all I would want is just somebody to wake me up. My alarm clocks have been through everything, and they don't have a 100% rate of going off, and even when they do, there's not a guarantee I'll wake up to them. But a person...a person I'll definitely respond to.

But why oh why did he "forget" to wake me up?! I woke up many, many hours later, only to find out I missed the appointment of going to my buddy's place. Not only did I miss doing that, but I disappointed him as well. It was too late for us to do anything at all. It was too late to do much of anything, actually.

And both of them knew it! I told both of them to wake me up! How could they both forget?! Did they go onto irc, and just brush me off? Did they just say "Mikey sleeps a lot anyways; we'll just let him be". Did they just decide to stick with the normal position of what they said many, many months ago, "I'm not going to wake you up, Mikey."?

Arrrgh.... I opened my eyes to see a dark blue sky which was only getting darker, and those glowing red led numbers emotionlessly telling me I was too late to matter. "Crud!" I yelled out, and immediately started throwing something on and racing to get myself decent. It was all for naught, though. I made a phone call, took care of myself, and meanwhile Ryan got curious as to what was happening, and got up from his computer space to check on me. "Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked, very disappointed. He mumbled an expletive to himself underneath his breath, and told me he forgot. "I'm in a lot of trouble now!" I said to him, as I turned around to go back to my room. I was, too. Thank God it wasn't work that I needed to be woken up for, otherwise I likely would have been fired. But still, I missed an appointment, and only bad seemed to come from that.

I left the apartment and slammed the screen door behind me, and got in my car and peeled away. I was mad. But more than mad, I was disappointed. Disappointed in myself for not waking up, disappointed at my roommates for again thinking quite little of me, and just disappointed and mad in general. It was too late to go to my friend's place, and I didn't want to deal with anybody right then, so I just went to one of the only places I could usually find compassion: my parents.

I got a home-cooked meal for the first time in awhile, and might I tell you that I missed home cooking. It was delicious. And I washed it down with milk, 1% kind...and though that's not my normal cup of tea, it was still delicious. After living on this diet for this whole time, that meal was like ambrosia.

I talked to them a little bit, and after feeling better, I left. But that's about the point where I realized it was nearing 11 o'clock, and I had just missed the entire day. All of Saturday...gone to naught. The day in entirety was hang out with Shaun some, spend almost an hour sitting with the roommates, then sleeping and waking up, just to go to my parents' place. Anything accomplished? Besides gaining webspace, nuh uh.

And since then, my sleeping patterns have been off. I can't wake up. "Wake me up inside" is now something more to me than just a song by Evanescence; it's just what I want. My schedule has been going to sleep and waking up, then going straight to work. And in the meantime, I'm missing my life. And at first it was not a big thing--this has happened before. But the careless and apathetic attitudes people have been giving me, as well as the threats by the head manager to fire me from my job, plus the slew of ill-meant actions and comments from careless folks, feeling actually physically sick and not well, and finally this grey, cold weather have been getting me down. It's just been snowballing, and now I'm just getting my thoughts down here onto electronic paper.

I just feel like crap right now. I've told people that too. I just was hoping for a sympathetic ear or something like that, but I've found naught. I think that's why I like this Livejournal so much: I'm able to get my thoughts out and people can finally see what's going on inside of me and maybe be sympathetic. I dunno....

But anyways, yeah, tonight I was just pretty depressed. Work just kept getting to me, customers kept getting at me, Charles definitely kept getting at me, belittling me in front of customers for honest mistakes and holding something of a subtle, unsaid grudge at me for the whole night, and also the head manager called me into her office and told me if my speed doesn't improve that she's going to fire me. I think I've said it before that I'm just somehow naturally slow at work, and why, I honestly don't know. But she said she's been getting complaints that I can be too slow with closing up my dining room, and now my job is in danger. Yeah, like that will do a lot for your self esteem, won't it? Oh yeah, and Nick showed up too. While he did make me feel a little better by getting me out of the monotony of work, he also made sure to include the little pokes at me, like, "You know you look dumb with that blonde mullet." I just like having my hair grown out, and it's not a mullet. Though this is likely inaccurate, sometimes it seems like people everywhere I go seem to try to be mean to me.

I'm not going to dig into that rut anymore; I'll continue on. I'm still feeling lonely, right now only finding this Livejournal and maybe the folks reading it as the ones who are willing to listen to me get my mind out. I'm writing this post out more for myself than anybody else, really. I'm just feeling lonely again not having found anybody lately who wants to talk and know what's up. Not even the cats around here have wanted to be my friend.

Well I think I'll just stop typing now. The high point of today was that I got to get out of work early, being that it was Labor Day. Both the dining room and drive-thu closed at 10 P.M. I got out of there a little before midnight. That's about two hours earlier than when we usually leave. My bonus is I get to come to the apartment and go online, where I find nary a listening ear or compassionate heart. I dunno, maybe I'm being depressed for no reason right now. Maybe I'm just silly getting worked up over things like this--making a mountain out of a molehill, and all. I can hear Fallon laughing in the next room over, and they're happily conversing in their normal #ooc chat on irc.khaleoudart.com. I don't want to look in there, though, because though I made it clear I'd like somebody to talk to, I've been largely ignored. It's not like I could just say "hey, I'm feeling down, could I talk to somebody?" That's like begging for attention. I'm not a whiner. Just on here I suppose I am, just because this journal is willing to listen to me. I don't even know if I'm really making sense anymore; I think I'll just end this post here. Sorry for another downer post. Maybe I'll make it up with the next entry.
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